What Is It That You Need?
The first thing you should know about me is that I love a deal. No more than the next person, I guess, but I’m one of those people who, even when I understand something’s value, will often say no, just because. I think we call this frugal? This is important to know because when a friend tells me the yoga studio close to our house is having a ten days for $10 deal, I can’t grab my calendar fast enough. I flip it open to find the next stretch of ten mostly free days (no travel, no kid’s hockey tournaments) so I can sign up and go to at least once a day—you know, to get my money’s worth.
I’d wanted to join a yoga studio for ages, just to try it, but it’s always been too expensive. I’ve never been a regular at yoga (a yogi?), but like most people, I know a downward dog from a mountain pose, a warrior from a goddess. My typical workout regimen usually includes lifting a barbell, or some other body weight movement like burpees, but lately I’ve been craving something different, something that will make my body feel good and not always sore. So there I am, signing up online for the ten day deal, remarkably giddy with excitement.
In the coming week and a half, I go to 6 a.m. classes—where I unsuccessfully try new poses (flying lizard!)—an 8 p.m. class where all we do is stretch in shockingly painful positions, and the Express Class at noon with heart pumping music in a room set to 95 degrees. I love, and I mean love, all of it. The heat. The dim lighting. The calm voices. The music. The smell. The laying there at the end and just being in my body.
I love the sweat. I love the challenge. I love how there are women half my age and others that are almost double. I love how my children see me going out to do something just for me. I love how safe I feel there, and how every movement is an invitation. I love how my mind, and heart, and soul feel afterwards.
But when my ten days are up, I stop.
“Are you going to join?” my friend asks. The studio had emailed us promo codes, of course. “No, it’s a lot of money,” I said. “I already have a family membership to a gym and that’s hard enough to get to as it is”. But then one week passed, and then two, and something inside of me feels this pull, a longing. A deep desire. A few more weeks go by and then another email comes with an even deeper discount, and I decide to go for it.
I will join, but just for the minimum number of months necessary to get that price.
The next time I arrive, as a member, I am greeted at the desk by a woman named Jade (naturally) and walked into the barely lit studio. A small candle flickers at the front of the room and calm music fills my ears. Mat under my arm, the floor warm, and the room smelling like sage, tears fill my eyes. Tears.
That sounds a bit much, doesn’t it? To have an emotional response to walking into a yoga studio?
But here’s where I must explain the next thing you should know about me, and about a lot of other women I believe: not all of us are all that practiced at listening to ourselves. Or knowing what we want. Or naming what we need and finding value in it, even if it costs money. We haven’t always trusted it was right and good—for us as women to pay attention to certain desires, and to move towards them.
Going to those classes was a gift—to be so gentle with myself, with my body, emotionally and physically, during a time when I was also doing some very hard and deeply personal emotional work in so many other areas of my life.
I ended up staying months beyond my minimum commitment, and learned way more than just how hard it is to support my body weight with my hands. Even as it was happening, I understood that joining that studio was exactly what I needed. And then, one day, when my schedule could no longer make the classes work, when life felt full and I felt different, I also knew it was time for me to quit. To transition towards something else, something new.
It’s still the beginning of a new year, and I’m wondering where you are—more emotionally than physically (though we know those two things are intimately connected). Deep down in your heart, do you need to offer more gentleness to yourself this year? This month? Do you want a place for your heart to feel comforted and your soul to feel calm? Or are you craving a challenge, maybe in a way that you hadn’t ever thought possible, or haven’t felt capable of in a long, long time?
Whatever it is, and however this looks for you, my hope for all of us is that we will pay attention to our hearts, and listen to our souls. And to trust that for everything, there is a season.
Till next time,
Sonya
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