Summer 2015 was coming to an end, and Drew and I were about to celebrate our two year wedding anniversary.
I had discontinued all fertility medication/treatment since our last failed FET (frozen embryo transfer), and was finally starting to feel a bit like myself again. Work was starting to get busy with the school year underway, I was back to CrossFit training, keeping busy with volunteer commitments, coaching and enjoying the beautiful fall weather. Although I was starting to feel “normal” again, my mind couldn’t help but think about when I could undergo another FET. My Doctor said I would have to wait approximately 2-3 months in between transfers.
It was the beginning of November when I got the call from the fertility clinic. My FET was scheduled for December 22nd and I was to start fertility medications immediately to prepare my body for the transfer. With only 7 eggs remaining, this would most likely be my last transfer with this batch of eggs. I know, 7 eggs seems like a lot, but once the embryos come out of freezing, there is no guarantee they will survive. I was definitely in a different head space going into this transfer compared to my last. I was so confident it would work the first time I don’t think I mentally prepared myself for the news we received. Although I was trying to remain hopeful and optimistic, the pain and grief I felt just over a month ago was making itself at home in my mind and heart.
Drew and I decided we would keep our upcoming FET more private than our first. We didn’t even tell our families until close to the transfer date. We are blessed with so many amazing people in our lives that were routing for us, and hoping and praying just as much as we were, that our miracle would happen. It was equally as hard having to share with friends and family our bad news, and every time I would talk about it I felt like I was reliving the same nightmare over and over again.
Before we knew it, December 22nd was here and we were off to Calgary. It was an early, snowy cold morning. The car ride to Calgary was a quiet one – both of our minds full of so many thoughts and feelings. I was still hopeful, but scared and unsure and praying for a Christmas miracle. We arrived safely (and on time) in Calgary and I was mentally preparing for the upcoming procedure. Minutes before we were called into the clinic room, Drew looked at me with a smile and said “Third times a charm, right?” – I smiled for the first time all morning.
We were finally back in Medicine Hat and I was resting, undergoing the same two week protocol I was given after our last FET. It didn’t feel like Christmas at all. Sure there was snow, decorations, presents under the tree and my favourite holiday movies on the television – but I was finding it very hard to get into the Christmas spirit. Christmas is such an important holiday for our family. I can’t remember ever not having an abundance of family around, but this year we decided it was best for us to stay home, let me rest, and we could celebrate Christmas in the days following if I was up to it.
The two week wait was finally over, and it was time for me to get my blood drawn and wait for the phone call. At the time I had thought I had mentally prepared myself if we received bad news. I had been through this before, it could only get easier, right? WRONG! So wrong…hearing my Doctor say (again) we were unsuccessful felt worse than all the other times before. To say I felt defeated would be an understatement. 2016 was supposed to be our year. The year we finally start our family, and enter this next phase in our lives. With no more frozen embryos, and a broken heart, 2016 was not shaping up to the year we had imagined.
It took me a long time until I felt ready to think, let alone talk about, what our options moving forward be. However, if there was one thing I was sure of without a shadow of a doubt, was that I wanted to be a Mom, and Drew wanted to be a Dad. It was time to explore our “options” and make a decision what our next move would be. 2016 might not have been the year we started our family, but it most definitely was the year of new opportunities.
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